


Neanderthals Don't Mix With A School Bus

by TheSchubita



Series: The Big 80's Movie Mash-Up AU [3]
Category: Back to the Future (Movies)
Genre: Biff is just fed up, Biff is secretly a geek, Doctor Who References, F/M, Jules and Verne are little shits, M/M, Marty is a sweetheart, Neanderthals, Time Travel, Time Traveling Mischief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 20:09:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3147035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSchubita/pseuds/TheSchubita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Biff is never going to let Jules and Verne talk him into something ever again. Neanderthals, really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Neanderthals Don't Mix With A School Bus

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a quick one I whipped up in, like, 20 minutes. I just wanted for Biff to officially meet Docs kids and a bit of interaction. Not that Biff's too happy about it.

Biff wondered how the fuck he had ended up here. ‘Here’ was crouching down behind a bush, waiting for an opportunity to save Docs idiotic brats from being sacrificed to some archaic gods by a tribe of Neanderthals. Somewhere in Europe. Approximately 10’000 B.C.

If it would have been up to Biff, he’d left the Brats here to their well-deserved fate and go back home but sadly, he had no idea how to drive that damn schoolbus back to 1987 (Also, Marty would be horribly disappointed in Biff if he let the kids behind).

The weird dude with the least scruffy looking pelts was hopping around the pyre where Jules and Verne were currently tied to, chanting fanatically. The kids were eyeing the torch a bit warily, but were otherwise remarkably calm. Biff huffed. Of course they were calm, he was willing to bet they did this once a week. He rubbed his hands over his face. He was shit at planning, which meant he had no idea how he should get those damn brats out of there.

The chanting was getting more frantic, the other tribe members joining in. It was grating on Biff’s nerves something fierce. He cracked his knuckles. Better get to it then.

.

“This is amazing!” Jules exclaimed gleefully. “Wait until I tell Marty about this!”

Biff growled. “I’m warning you, leave your grubby paws where they belong, or I’ll rip them off.” He thought the intimidating part was well done, but Jules just grinned unabashedly. Verne was ignoring them altogether.

“No, I swear, you’re a genius!” Jules yelled over his shoulder. They were all running away from an angry mob of cavemen. It was a good thing the tribe had been too surprised to react immediately when Biff had barged into their camp, hoisting both boys up on a shoulder each and getting the fuck out of there. Even if Biff was one hell of a runner, those cavemen clearly knew what they were doing. They were catching up too quickly for Biff’s taste, especially as a spear rushed pass them, missing Verne’s head only by a few inches.

Biff cursed, speeding up. “If we get home in one piece I’ll pound your heads in so bad,” he breathed. He dodged another spear, readjusting the grip he had on Jules and Verne, who were still dangling over his shoulders. Those kids barely weighed anything. He was going to feed them pop-tarts after they got back. Loads.

“Oi, watch out Biff!” Verne yelled. Biff cursed, jumping over a trap.

If they got back. “How do we get rid of them?” Biff asked, never losing his footing. “Because Dorothy is a good while away, and it looks like they’re catching up,” he said, dodging a low tree branch. He could hear the Neanderthals shouting what were _probably_ profanities.

“Move left here,” Jules yelled. “I think there are some big rocks there that this tribe worships, well, they said something about these cliffs anyways,” he finished. Biff grunted.

“You understand Neanderthal? Really?” Biff asked incredulously. He felt Jules shrug, but it was Verne who answered.

“Dad taught us a bit, but this tribe has a weird dialect, I didn’t understand much.”

“Great,” Biff replied. “So you could potentially lead us to a place they might do sacrifices too? I’m thrilled.” Verne made a face.

“If it weren’t for us, you’d have no out of this,” Verne pointed out. Biff grit his teeth.

“If it weren’t for you,” he emphasized, “ _I wouldn’t be chased by a tribe of Neanderthals 10’000 years before I was born!_ ”

Jules and Verne were both silent for a moment. “Point,” Jules agreed.

.

There was an awkward silence in the bus. Biff was seated at the very back of Dorothy, brooding. Verne, who was driving, and Verne were casting worried glances back at him.

“Uhm, Biff, we’re really sorry-“ Jules started.

“Not. A. Word,” Biff hissed. They deflated immediately. Good.

They had made it out alive, more or less unscathed. At least the kids had been smart enough to park the bus near the rocks, where the tribe seemed to have decided their gods resided. The Neanderthals had immediately stopped at the sight of the rock formation, dropped their weapons and had started bowing to the things.

Biff had simply kept running, glad the plan (if you could call it that) had worked. After they had finally climbed the bus, ready for take-off, Verne had suddenly burst out that they had forgotten a souvenir for their mother and had to take _something_ with them. Biff had protested (threatened), but apparently, a souvenir for their mom was more important than the possibility to get lynched by cavemen. So they had flown Dorothy to the outskirts of the camp, and Jules and Verne had set off to search for something they could nick unnoticed from the tribe. Biff, who had refused to set foot into the camp again, had waited next to Dorothy, listening carefully should the tribe return.

What he hadn’t accounted for was the old hag who had stayed behind. She had noticed him (and Dorothy) and had started yelling, throwing sticks and rocks at him. Biff had been almost too surprised to react. One of the heavier sticks had hit him squarely in the face, making him yowl in the process. Alerted by the noise, Jules and Verne had come running, clutching what looked like pottery in their hands. The old hag had spotted the kids, understood that they had been stealing, and had started yelling and throwing things at the boys. Biff, face gushing with blood, had grabbed the boys by the scruff of their necks, hauled them into Dorothy and locked the doors.

“Start the damn thing _right now_ or so help me,” he had yelled. The brats had largely ignored him, Jules securing the pottery and Verne climbing in the driver’s seat, starting the engine quickly.

Thankfully, Dorothy was able to fly, and so they had quickly been able to leave the crazy old bad behind (a flying bus seemed to barely faze her, she had just continued throwing things).

“Won’t her seeing a time machine change the future?” Biff asked, shuddering at the horror stories Marty had told him. Jules shook his head.

“No. This far back, what we do doesn’t matter much, as long as we don’t kill anything accidentally. And besides,” Jules added, “She’s a crazy old woman. They put her in one of the tents that’s meant for dying people. Her tribesmen wouldn’t believe her.” Biff couldn’t help but think that that was a bit sad, despite her throwing a branch at his face.

“Hm,” Biff said. Jules fidgeted.

“Shouldn’t we- uhm, well, your face,” Jules stumbled over his words. Biff snorted.

“Nah, that’s fine, ‘s not as bad as it looks. I’ll clean it up once we’re back.”

“Okay,” Jules agreed. “And, uhm, things normally don’t go as terribly as they did today, so, we’re really sorry.” Biff grinned evily.

“Squirt, it’s not me you’ll have to answer to,” he told Jules. Jules blanched.

“You’re going to tell _Dad_?” he exclaimed.

“No,” Biff said sweetly, “I’m going to tell _Marty_.” Jules stared at him in outrage, and Verne almost swerved the bus. “And he’ll be disappointed in you both, he’ll scold you and then give you the silent treatment and you _wish_ I had told your Dad.” They both glared at him.

“You’re evil,” Verne said.

“Tell me about it, kiddo,” Biff replied, feeling much better about the whole thing.

.

“They did _what_?” Marty exclaimed. He was currently washing Biff’s face off with a washcloth, listening to the story Biff was relaying. Jules and Verne had dropped off Biff, waved a quick goodbye and had disappeared, the little cowards.

Biff sighed. “It’s not that bad McFly,” he said. Marty raised his eyebrow.

“I think I see a bit of bone there, Biff,” Marty said skeptically. “I’m just glad you have such a thick skull, is all.”

“Real funny, shithead,” Biff replied, but there was no heat in it. Marty just smiled, tossing the washcloth in the sink. He took the antiseptic out, carefully applying it to the scrapes on Biff’s forehead. Biff winced.

“Sorry,” Marty mumbled. “Just don’t want you to die on me because of a prehistoric infection.” Biff grimaced.

“I think the dirt now and 10’000 years ago is probably the same, man,” he said. Marty shrugged, then giggled.

“I still can’t believe they did that,” he in between giggles. Biff looked at him unimpressed. “No, I can, actually,” he amended, getting out a gauze and tape. “Just wait until they’re older, they’re gonna be a _nightmare_ ,” he told Biff.

“Why am I not surprised?”

Marty laughed.

“The older Jules built a motorbike, of all things, and showed me dinosaurs four months ago.” Biff stared at Marty. “I almost ended up for dinner once.” Biff started to feel annoyed at the sheer recklessness of those brats. Marty fixed the gauze and tape. “And I think Verne is trying to replicate that blue box from that weird British TV show you like,” Marty said absentmindedly. “There, all fixed.”

“If those kids manage to replicate the TARDIS I’m outta here,” Biff said, hair on his neck standing up. He shuddered. “No one should have that kind of power, and especially not someone as loony as that family.”

Marty nodded in agreement. “You’re right. Hopefully, they’ll grow out of it.”

“Yeah, right,” Biff said. Marty’s shoulders sagged. Biff threw one arm around Marty’s shoulder, pulling him close. “Thanks, by the way.” Marty let himself be pulled flush against Biff’s chest.

“Don’t mention it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Soo, Biff is actually just a big gruffly teddybear. In some stories he's portrayed as just an idiotic villain with barely two brain cells, and that's a pity. I mean, he's certainly not the brightest tool in the box, but I never saw him as just a dumb comic relief. He is actually pretty interesting, as far as antagonists go. Also, I'd like to think that because he's young, he's still able to adapt to new situations well. Of course, he is stubborn and set in his ways, but I think there's definitely potential for growth.  
> All in all, I think he handled Jules and Verne well, given the circumstance. I feel like he might have a soft spots for kids, and of course he has a GIANT soft spot for one Marty McFly. I always wondered, if Biff and Marty had met under different circumstances, they might have gotten along well. Marty's very easygoing and adapting, and Biff just needs someone to poke his inner softie awake. 
> 
> And I'm laughing because I made Biff accidentally a DW fanboy. I'd say sorry, but that would be lying. 
> 
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
